I was just watching Ellen DeGeneres on TV…. no not the Oscars, one of her stand-up comedy shows. She was talking about how dreadful TV is these days and how adverts for Paxil and Prozac asking if you are depressed, suffering from anxiety and sad while you are watching the horrors on CNN are just meaningless. I mean, isn’t that just part of the human condition? Aren’t you supposed to feel like that when you watch CNN? Obviously she was trivializing serious problems to show how the drug companies are exploiting people’s moods, but doesn’t it feel like that when you watch those silly ads anyway? Don’t you suddenly wonder if you should be taking Prozac? It’s like when you go to the airport and they ask you if you are carrying any weapons… I always have to think twice. (The photo is of the Star of Bethlehem flower).

Before our daughter was born, my husband was going through a stressful period and I could tell he was generally anxious about the upheaval our new arrival would bring. Every book I have read seems to indicate this is entirely normal (and yes I have been through this all with my first child but still, the sense of unease did not seem to diminish). Maybe it was going to be different with number 2? Maybe there would be complications? My husband even seemd to be anxious about the delivery… “are you sure you want to try and have a natural birth?” he kept asking.

Aviva Romm writes: New dads are also going through their own feelings about being fathers, which can carry a variety of emotional baggage, depending on his own experience of being fathered. Furthermore, he may see you in new and profoundly different ways now, and his sense of responsibility to his growing family can be overhwhelming.

I have found the most effective tonic for stress is to share your concerns with another person. Somehow it seems to lift the burdens and you no longer feel alone. Someone is listening to you. For a woman, the first few weeks and months of motherhood (and it doesn’t really lessen with each child) need to be incredibly stress free (not a reality if you already have a kid, and definitely not a reality if you are a newbie mother).

I remember coming back from the hospital thinking if the house sort of remains organized, and someone puts nourishing food in front of me and someone else was looking after my other daughter and husband and making sure they were well fed and taken care of, and someone else lets me take naps with my newborn, and I can continue to take my supplements and am allowed to take a bath for ten minutes every day, then somehow, I would get through the day without feeling like I might fall apart any minute.

For a man, it is very different. They are required to play an immensely supportive and subtle role, where they are continuing to go to work while probably getting an inferior night’s sleep (even if they are very good at sleeping through a baby’s cries). They are also required to understand their wife’s ups and downs as she adjusts to her new demanding reality (almost impossible - since who the hell understands hormonal moods). Then underneath all of this, they have their own needs, perhaps a loss of intimacy with their partner (albeit usually temporarily), a sense that things just aren’t a lot of fun these days, and all too often partners feel like ships in the night. But as I learnt with my first child, everything really is a phase, and this too shall pass.

Still, we all need a little help from our friends and a support network, possibly a great couple therapist if things become nasty, and some herbs and superior nutrition can’t halm too. I tend to revert to a few supplements to kick start a change of mood. Unlike me, who is taking multi-vits and fish oils and magnesium, my dear husband isn’t taking anything…. How could I have let this go on for so long? OK, I know supplements aren’t everything, but they are something… and while we’re on the subject of nutrition, perhaps he doesn’t need to be indulging in quite so much sympathy food binging as he watches his dear wife’s belly expand. All that wheat, sugar and extra coffee creates mood spikes that are not helpful for anyone.

Susun Weed’s wonderful women’s forum offers lots of practical advice in this area and I found a plethora of herbs, taken as tinctures (you can find them at any health food store). You might also want to set up a time to see a homeopath and get some personalized remedies made up for your individual constitution. The wise women recommend:

Bach flower Remedies - The remedies are used primarily for emotional and spiritual conditions, including but not limited to depression, anxiety, insomnia and stress.

St. John’s Wort (but not to be taken if you are on anti-depressants)

Star of Bethlehem (also a Bach flower rx) is a restorative remedy for calming anyone who has experienced shock or trauma. This is particularly true for parents who experienced traumatic, emergency deliveries or complications with their children following birth.

Oats
Avena Sativa (Oats) is one of the best remedies for the nervous system, especially when under stress. Oats are good for nervous debility, and exhaustion when associated with depression and nervous insomnia. Recently, I ordered a bunch of organic herbs from Mountain Rose Herbs including Nettle Leaf, Oatstraw (an excellent nervine) and Lemon Balm (Melissa) which according to my homeopath spcialist, Rebekah Azzarelli is also good for breastfeeding mothers. I have been making wonderful herbal teas with them… Just a tablespoon of each in pot ith boiling water.

I also happened to see recently an article in Yahoo called Foods To Calm You Down Fast… I have shortened the article, but taken the main points:

1. Berries, any berries
They’re a good source of vitamin C, which helps fight a jump in the stress hormone cortisol. Try them in a smoothie. My husband in the morning likes plain yogurt, banana, loads of frozen berries (we buy the organic Cascadian Farm variety) and flaxseed oil. I am emphasizing organic here because berries (particularly strawberries) carry the highest amount of pesticides.

2. Guacamole
Avocados are loaded with B vitamins, which stress quickly depletes and which your body needs to maintain nerves and brain cells.

3. Mixed nuts
Just an ounce will help replace those stress-depleted Bs (walnuts), give you a whopping amount of zinc (Brazil nuts)-it’s also drained by high anxiety-and boost your E (almonds), which helps fight cellular damage linked to chronic stress.

4. Oranges
People who take a 1,000 mg of C have lower levels of cortisol and lower blood pressure than those who don’t.

5. Asparagus
A great source of folic acid and a natural mood-lightener.

6. Chai tea
A warm drink is a super soother (but not coffee or caffeinated tea).

I just read an article in Mother Earth News that says exercise is the way to go. Somehow it makes perfect sense but you have to be disciplined and of course be willing to encourage your partner to leave you in his free time. The article says, “Exercising just 30 minutes several times a week can relieve general anxiety and stress, and can be an effective treatment for more serious conditions such as post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. A recent study conducted at the University of Colorado suggested that physical activity also can prevent stress to our immune systems, leaving us less susceptible to some bacterial and viral infections.”

Finally I thought I would share something spiritual and aspirational for us all to consider. It might go over some people’s heads, but if you do know a little bit about Buddhism, it will make some sense…The point here is it doesn’t have to matter where you are. Suffering is all in the mind and nothing lasts forever…

“Using the mind to look for reality is delusion. Not using the mind to look for reality is awareness. Freeing oneself from words is liberation. Remaining unblemished by the dust of sensation is guarding the Dharma. Transcending life and death is leaving home. Not suffering another existence is reaching the Way. Not creating delusions is enlightenment. Not engaging in ignorance is wisdom. No affliction is nirvana. And no appearance of the mind is the other shore. When you’re deluded, this shore exists. When you wake up, it doesn’t exist. Mortals stay on this shore. But those who discover the greatest of all vehicles stay on neither this shore nor the other shore. They’re able to leave both shores. Those who see the other shore as different from this shore don’t understand zen.”

(Source: The Zen Teaching of Bodhidharma: A Bilingual Edition translated with an Introduction by Red Pine, North Point Press, New York NY 1987).

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March 1st, 2007 | Permalink